Heartfelt Thoughts.

I have been thinking about writing this post for a long time. I’ve had some of it written for a long time. But now I think it’s finally time to post it. Steve brought it up yesterday and encouraged me to write it and share it. So, I apologize for the length of this post. Please be patient with my somewhat unintelligible writing. This was a difficult post to write. I tried to keep some of the emotion out so it’s not too much of a downer, but I feel like I need to share this. Here goes.

Rewind to February 2010. We decided to really try to start our family. The first few months were filled with excitement and anticipation, but by the time January 2011 came around, we were getting a bit discouraged. I was also having some other issues, so I went in to a doctor in Logan. When I explained my issues and that we had been trying to get pregnant for about a year, he recommended some blood tests. After running them twice, they all came back fine and I was referred to an OB/GYN. She was awesome. She prescribed Clomid for me. (The same fertility medication my mom used to get pregnant with me!) I used it one month, and the blood tests showed that it hadn’t worked. So we upped the amount, and tried again. I found out I was pregnant on May 28, 2011. It was the day after the last day of school. We were absolutely thrilled. The only other day I’ve been that happy is when I married Steve. We couldn’t wait to tell our families! We thought about waiting until after our Dr. appointment, but after about a week we couldn’t keep it secret anymore. We were just too excited. So, we told both of our immediate families the first week of June. I’m glad we did.

June 10, 2011. My birthday. We were in Cedar City for Dan and Brittney’s wedding. I had been spotting for a couple days, but my Dr. said it was normal and nothing to worry about. They thought maybe I had just worked too hard in the days before. (We were packing to move to Wyoming). The morning of the 10^th, we went to Dan and Brittney’s sealing. It was beautiful. We went to the luncheon, and then came back to Cedar City. I called my doctor to get more reassurance, and they said it was still fine. If I saw red blood, I should go to the ER. (So far it had just been brown/pink) That evening there was a ring ceremony right before the reception. We went out to that, and then came back to Steve’s parents’ house before the reception. Steve had a paper he had to finish and submit that weekend. At about 8:00, just as we were preparing to go back to the reception, I started bleeding. We panicked, I cried, and we drove to the ER. They hooked me to an IV, did blood tests, and ultrasounds. At about 11:30 I was discharged, and we were told that we had lost the baby. I left with pain pills and instructions on what to do next. I remember breaking down just as we got to the car. I couldn’t believe that after all this work, we had lost our precious baby. Even though I was just 6 weeks, I loved that baby with all my heart. I called my mom to tell her, and then we drove home to tell Steve’s family. Steve sat with me in the car once we got to his parents’ house for a good 10 minutes while I bawled my eyes out. Then we went straight to bed. The next day, the pain hit. It was like cramps, but 10 times worse. I couldn’t move. I hated the pain because I knew I wouldn’t get anything good out of it at the end. I felt very emotionally numb. That day we drove up to Salt Lake. The car ride was torture. I was fortunate because I didn’t need a D&C, but it killed me when I realized that my body had passed my baby in the gas station off the side of I-15. We spent a couple days in Salt Lake. Those days all blur together. It was very hard for me to wrap my head around what had happened. We were faced with other challenges as they wanted me to have more blood tests, my Dr. was out of town, etc. After spending hours back and forth on the phone with Dr.s we finally got the blood test, but they did the wrong one. It felt like the nightmare just wouldn’t end. But it did. We got back to Logan, life got back to normal, and my Dr. renewed my Clomid prescription and said we could try again. So we did.

Mid August 2011. We discovered that we were pregnant again. I was thrilled, but terrified. I kept telling myself it would be okay. I knew I couldn’t go through that pain again. August 25, right before the 6 week mark, I started spotting again. All the emotions came back in an instant. I called my Dr. in Laramie in a panic, and they set up a time to see me right away. After a couple days and a couple blood tests, I was told that I had miscarried again. I felt like my heart shattered. I set up a time to return in 2 weeks so they could make sure my blood levels were back to normal before we started trying again. I endured the pain again, and my emotions were rubbed raw. I returned in 2 weeks and they did the blood tests again. My earlier tests had been in the low 20s, and we were expecting a number near 0. My HCG was in the 300s. I called the on call doctor and explained what had happened. He listened to my whole story, and then told me to come in first thing in the morning. So began the hardest month of my life. For the next month, I was at the Dr.s office at least once a week, and up to 4 times a week. I spent just as much time at the hospital having my blood drawn. They continued monitoring my numbers and performing ultrasounds. My HCG just kept going up, but very slowly. Some other symptoms I had had earlier, but not associated with pregnancy, began to make more sense. They believed I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was very fortunate to have wonderful doctors (I worked with all 3 in the clinic during this time). They allowed me to make my own decisions. Because an ectopic pregnancy can rupture and put the mother in danger, they recommended treating it right away. But because they never could find it on the ultrasound, I didn’t feel comfortable with the shot or the surgery. They allowed me to wait, but I was instructed to take it easy- no running. I was also fortunate to have very understanding employers. They allowed me to leave at lunch to zip to the hospital, or leave 10 minutes early to make it to an appointment. They were all very good to me during that time. Steve’s parents informed us that they were having a fast for us in October. At my next Dr. visit, the number started going down. It was taking care of itself. By the beginning of November, my number was back to 0 and I was able to stop going to the Dr. I could run again. I was able to try to get my life back again. Now I’m finally feeling back to myself.

The past 6 months have been an emotional rollercoaster. I have gone through emotional and physical pain like I never knew. Most of these months, I could not look at pregnant women without crying. I couldn’t stand holding babies. I was angry and hurting. I spent a lot of time on my knees, pleading for help. More recently, I have started feeling that help. I have felt the prayers offered by friends and family members. I have felt the strength of the Lord helping me along. I found great comfort in a quote by President Richard G. Scott.

“When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.”

(Read the whole talk HERE)

Although it has been hard to let go of what I want right now, I have felt greater peace as I strive to submit my will to my Heavenly Father’s will. I’m still working on this. I’m still trying to live in the moment. Lately I’ve been feeling like Rapunzel from Tangled when she sings about wondering when her life will begin. I’m still working to be happy now, rather than just waiting for the life I’ve dreamed of. Steve has been amazing through this whole ordeal. He has listened to me, cried with me, and been very patient with me. I am very grateful to have my best friend at my side through all of this. We haven’t given up. Our doctors haven’t given up. I’ve been given new medications to supplement those I already have. We continue to pray daily for our future family. I’m starting to move on again, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten my sweet little babies. I am a mother of 2 darling angels. I don’t know when I will see them again, but I know they are mine. I love them each very much. I think of them every day. I pray for them every day. I know they are part of my family.

My heart aches when I think of the countless women who have suffered more than me. I send prayers and thoughts to any women struggling infertility or miscarriages. The pain is awful, and no one should have to endure it. But please know you’re not alone. I pray for any of you who may have gone through this. You’re in my thoughts.